Mystery Solved

"First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage..."

When I was little, I took this nursery rhyme as a commandment.

When I was in high school, I learned that step 3 sometimes comes before step 2.

When I was in college, I learned that step 3 sometimes comes before step 2 or even step 1.
Post college, I wondered why there wasn't a "first comes love, then comes a shared lease, then comes a baby all wrapped in fleece" version.

Now? Now I know why the nursery rhyme is so enduring. Why, despite the many ways of bringing little babies into this world, the love, marriage, carriage sequence is pretty ideal.

Would you like to know why? It's simple.

Pregnant ladies are insane. Completely and totally batshit insane.

And. If they didn't have a ring on their finger, their formerly loving partner would leave them faster than you can say 'mood swing.'

No, seriously. If you are in the incredulous camp, I totally feel you. I used to listen friends and coworkers talk about their own pregnancies or those of their friends and secretly scoff at the anecdotes:

"Nausea all day?" Oh please. Take some pepto bismal and quit complaining.
"Food aversions?" As if anyone likes peas to begin with.
"Extreme exhausion?" I'd like an afternoon nap as well but that doesn't mean I'm pregnant.
"Heightened emotions?" Sorry to say, you were just as manic before.

But now? Oh my. Karma sure caught up with me. For the last 6-8 weeks I've had symptoms that I used to think were purely psychosomatic but now know to be anything but:

- Nausea in the morning, late afternoon and evening. In case you are curious, it is every bit as attractive as you imagine. I spent most nights laying on the couch making strange groaning noises and shooting Lou death glares while he happily ate his dinner or drank a beer. I'm sure he's never loved me as much as during those quiet evenings together.

- I stopped being able to eat standby favorites such as salmon, anything green (broccoli, asparagus, spinach), tomatoes, cheese and... PASTA. (the pasta thing only lasted two weeks but those were 14 very long, confusing days) Lou and I had more than one 'invasion of the body snatchers' conversations.

- I don't think I've had the extreme exhaustion thing. It's kind of hard to tell. I nearly passed out a few times at work but, I mean, I work in tax. Welcome to the exciting world of accounting, folks.

- As for the last one... heightened emotions? Oy vey. Just as the nausea thing quieted down (I haven't been sick in a week! Yay me! Yay stomach!) the emotions ratcheted up.

For example: Waitress at the bagel place took 35 minutes to bring us our order? Usually, I'd be cool with it. I mean, it's Belgium. That sort of thing is par for the course. But this time? I was apoplectic. Lou had to talk me down from screaming for our brunch, asking to speak with her manager and demanding that our bill be reduced (3 MAJOR no-no's in Belgium). To appease me, he politely inquired as to the status of our order and said "great, thanks!" when she replied they would be out shortly. Usually, that's what I do! Since when did he become me and I become a raging witch?

Also: Two weekends ago we were supposed to go to this music festival. After 30 minutes of running around the apartment like crazy people we were all packed and ready to walk out the door when we realized that neither of us had printed out the tickets. Which meant we wouldn't make it in time to see Jimmy Eat World. Concerned over this, I ran to the computer to look up nearby places to print out the tix and, as I did so, I sobbed. Sobbed! Body wracking, giant tear dropping sobs. Lou stood there, helpless and understandably confused, and tried to explain that he had already seen Jimmy Eat World live twice. And they were great shows. No way this 1 hour set would top his memory. And did I even like Jimmy Eat World? "well, there's that [hiccup] one song [hiccup] that i like."


(Great song, but not worth going into hysterics over. Especially since friends said they didn't even play it.)

Right. I lost it over missing a band we were ambivalent about seeing in the first place. I. Am. Losing. My. Mind.


Thank goodness he married me. Otherwise, he'd be out the door. And I wouldn't be able to blame him in the least.